Happy Hour of the Damned by Mark Henry (Take Two)

In case you missed it, the Pixie and I have a bet going over this book. Since I finished it yesterday and still don't dig on it, she lost. Beyond disliking it overall though, there are the details of what I thought was good and what I couldn't stand. For this book they're a very strange collection. How about a brief summary before that though. See my previous post if you need a hand remembering how I rate things.

Writing: Pretty Damned Good
Story: Well Worth Reading
Characters: Fucking Awful

Now given that short list, Mark (and anyone who understands people and has read the book) will immediately know precisely why HHotD was not my cup of tea. The main reason being that it was not remotely written with people like me in mind. I do recognize, however, that there are people out there who will think it's a really great book. The problem is, I wouldn't get along at all well with the vast majority of them because of what enjoying it says about them. Certainly not well enough to recommend books to them in any case.

I'll be lazy and go in the same order as my list. The writing, in both technical and aesthetic aspects, was well above average for what I'd expect from a first time author. Cheers on that, Mark. He has a keen eye for detail but doesn't bog you down so that you get bored or lose track of where you were, like Tolkien books do for instance. The chapters only run about twelve pages, so it's easy to put down if you're not a marathon reader. The flow from one chapter to the next is clean enough though that going cover to cover won't be a problem if you're otherwise enjoying the book. My only beefs with the writing are too many flashbacks and a flashback within a flashback.

The story itself was about, to slightly above, what I've come to expect from the first book of a series. That it was also Mark's first published book makes it surprisingly good on this front. That said, it is the first book of a series and doesn't have a lot of background to draw on, so don't expect spectacular. It's solid and won't leave you disappointed, if you're the type inclined to enjoy this book, but it won't leave you wowed either.

The characters are what killed this book for me. To paraphrase, for decency's sake, my friend who I had read the first chapter so he would understand what I was ranting about: vapid bitches. At about the third chapter it was driving me crazy that the group of protagonists were apparently completely devoid of a single redeeming characteristic of any kind. At around the fourth I started paying close attention for absolutely anything that I could classify as a character trait in any of the three that I could find an iota of empathy towards. The closest thing I found was their concern for their missing friend Liesl but even that was apparently only important enough to think about after they'd donned some of the latest designer outfits and had a few drinks in the happening spot while heaping scorn, derision, and general bitchiness on anyone within sight. I've known child molesters with more worthwhile characteristics than these characters. I can literally manage more empathy with the guards at Auschwitz than I can with Amanda, Gil, and Wendy.

Now the Pixie says it might be a "love to hate them" sort of thing. Good on you if you can manage that. Me, I'm a more typical male type and prefer to either ignore or smash, kill, destroy something that I hate. I don't on any level enjoy being pissed off or disgusted with someone. If I did, I'd still be blogging about politics. No, Nat, I will not bet you even head to donuts that I can finish the second and/or third books but feel free to enjoy them yourself.

~The Mighty buzzard

Happy Hour of the Damned by Mark Henry

None of the following is hyperbole or exaggeration in any way whatsoever.

UPDATE: The Pixie and I got our competitive on while filling the hell out of the comments section of her latest entry and I'll be giving this book another go (starting at chapter three as per the recommendation of Mark himself) after I've had a bit of time to decompress and read Changes when it comes out on the ninth. Normally I'd start back up tomorrow or the next day but I won't risk being on the injured list and not being able to read the latest Jim Butcher the day it comes out.

Natasha over at wickedlilpixie.com recommended this book to me several times, so I finally went out and picked up a copy. For that I have to say this: what did I ever do to her to deserve that? This thing is kryptonite for straight males.

Not that I'm saying it's a bad book... I have no freaking clue if it's good, bad, or indifferent. My brain refuses to let me examine it beyond telling me it's Sex and the City with monsters. Two pages in I was ready to DNF it. I'd started having to reread each sentence at least twice, usually three to five times, to even get the words to stick in my brain long enough for the next sentence to have any context. I think it was refusing to process them out of self defense.

So far, I've managed to make it 2.1 chapters (24 pages) in. In over 24 hours. And it's taken me two shots of whiskey, four beers, and a John Wayne movie so far to even partially recover from the mental trauma. It's going to be at least another day or two before I'm able to pick any book up.

Just in case we're not clear on how badly trying to read this book hurts, here are a few things I would, with absolute seriousness, currently rather do than finish the third chapter.

• Go to the store for tampons.
• While at the store, have a long and involved conversation with a salesperson debating one brand of tampon vs. another.
• Swear off Internet porn for a month.
• Spend half an hour getting waterboarded.
• Change all the dirty diapers at a daycare center for a day.
• Have one of my fingers, toes, or nose broken.
• Get kicked in the family jewels.

As of a little bit ago, I sent my copy over to a friend's wife, who's known me for quite a while now and knows my tastes in books pretty well, to read and let me know if there's any way in hell I'll ever be able to get into it enough to finish reading it. We'll see how that turns out.

~The Mighty Buzzard

Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs by Gerry Bartlett

Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs, book 5 in the Real Vampires series, sends Glory St. Clair to Hollywood for the Grammy awards show with rock star Israel Caine. Here's her chance to walk the red carpet and be on national TV. When she meets a vamp diet guru who promises he can help her finally shed those extra pounds she's been carrying for over four hundred years, she's all for it. But he's longtime lover Jeremy Blade's ancient enemy. Could this guy have a hidden agenda? And can vamps really lose their curves? When the diet drugs begin having strange side effects a vamp war threatens to break out. Just what or who is Glory willing to sacrifice for her dream of being thin?

Something I always look for in a book, though I'm more lenient with PR titles, is a plot that could stand on it's own if all aspects of romance were removed. Not that I dislike romance in a book, I simply don't give it enough import that it can make a bad book good to me. If all I'm after is book-sex, I'll go reread Summer Camp or find something on ASSTR.

Which is one of the many reasons I consistently love Gerry Bartlett's Real Vampires books. Any of her plots, characters, or humor could carry a book enough to make it easily readable. Putting them all together makes for something seriously special and earns her a place in the top tier of my mental ratings.

Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs is everything I've come to expect from the series. It's one of the few books this year I've been disappointed in not because it was bad but because I ran out of book at the back cover. I have nothing bad to say about this book and if I start saying more descriptively good things I'm likely to devolve fully into fanboi-ism, so I'll break off here.

Except... I know very little about women's fashion but will fifteen pounds really get you six sizes in women's clothing? I gain and lose that much pretty much every year and only move up or down one pants size.

~The Mighty Buzzard

Accidentally Demonic by Dakota Cassidy

When mild-mannered Casey Schwartz wakes up in jail with no memory of how she got there she realizes two things: something weird is going on and orange is definitely not her color. After her sister bails her out, Casey has more to deal with than a foggy memory—like abrupt mood swings and fireballs shooting from her fingertips. But things really go south when a vampire shows up on her doorstep...

Clayton Gunnersson is seriously hot. And seriously taken—by a demon. In a ritual gone wrong, Clayton tried to free himself from his unwanted bond, but spilled some demonic blood on Casey. So now, Clayton’s spurned mate is inside of Casey—and she’s not happy about it. Neither is Casey, who can’t escape this bizarre love triangle. It’s hard enough being possessed by a demon. Falling for that demon’s boyfriend could get Casey killed—from the inside out…

This fourth entry into Dakota Cassidy's Accidental Romance series. It was good enough that I read it in one night, like I usually try to, but I couldn't honestly go as far as saying it was as good as her previous three books in the series. The first three I dug because they were silly almost, but not quite, to the point of absurdity, funny, witty, had the requisite amount of ass-kicking, and because I would like to do very naughty things with Nina.

All of the above still apply to Accidentally Demonic but in a slightly muted way. Only really enough that if you were already a fan, you'll notice and possibly be a tiny bit disappointed.

The thing that really necessitates a drop in my mental rating though was the shotgun approach to pop-culture references in this installment. They felt like she'd gone back through on and decided she didn't have enough, so she slapped a few more in randomly and without regard to what character was using them. They felt forced and having every character use them took away some of the uniqueness in every character they got foisted off onto*.

Bottom line, whatever rating out of five you gave The Accidental Werewolf, Accidentally Dead, and The Accidental Human, subtract 0.5 from it and that's what I give it. That works out to a 3.5 for me, I suppose. But what do I know, you may have loved the first three enough to rate them a full 5.0, in which case call this one a 4.5.

~The Mighty Buzzard

* Yes, I know I ended a sentence with a preposition. The English language is my bitch and I treat it as such. If it really bothers you though, feel free to mentally insert a comma, a space, and the word asshole after the preposition.

Black Magic Sanction by Kim Harrison

I've been trying to work up a good review of this book since it came out but until today I couldn't find enough words to justify posting them. The short version is Black Magic Sanction is precisely what I've come to expect from a Kim Harrison(a.k.a. Dawn Cook), Hollows book and I dug the complete hell out of it. It's always hard for me to describe something that wasn't surprising but since none of you knew what I expected, I'll go through the list and call it an entry.

I always assume a new Hollows novel will have outstanding character development, though not necessarily equally to all characters of course. I wasn't let down this time. Pierce, Nick, Jenks, and of course Rachel were all heavily developed. Ivy, Trent, and the rest were also clarified but to a lesser degree. Algaliarept got more development and play than I expected but not as much as I'd hoped.

I expect a certain amount of gratuitous violence, plenty of witty dialog, some sort of romance angle, and each book to be, at least to some degree, better written than the last. Expectations filled on all counts.

I also expect a far from trivial but not overly convoluted plot and I expect this to make the book last longer than I expect. In a yay-it's-not-over-yet way, mind you. I have no idea how I can expect that she'll always have two or three more plot twists than I expect. I have no idea how that even makes sense but I've learned not to argue with my brain unless I know I can win.

Lastly, I expect that a couple things that Rachel does in every book will leave me absolutely dumbfounded. Even being able to read every thought she's had along the way to understand her motivation, they still make absolutely no sense to me. I chalk this up to the whole Mars/Venus thing¹ though and go on my merry way.

~The Mighty Buzzard

¹ I reserve the right to occasionally think that women are insane. I acknowledge that by reserving this right I give up the right to be offended that women occasionally think men, and the subset of men that is me, are slow, dense, unobservant, insensitive, clueless, downright stupid, or synonym of your choice. I think it's a fair trade.

Flirt

An Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter Novel. Says so right on the cover.  Talked up as one in her interviews.  Bzzzzt, Flirt isn't even close to long or complicated enough to be a novel, even a half-assed one.  Skin trade: 496 pages.  Flirt: 192 pages.  Novella I believe is the word she was looking for, though it's verging on a shortstory.

Oh, but get this... Flirt is sure as hell priced as a novel. At the $23.95¹ cover price for the hardcover, it comes in at just under 25 cents per page of paper it's printed on.  Or to put it another way, it's apparently been deemed to be worth right around a third as much as an equal weight of silver.

Ok, now that we've established false advertising and gross overpricing, let's get on to the content.

The only recurring character, aside from a few pages at the beginning and again at the end, was Anita herself.  Ok, we could work with this.  Do some quality character development on Anita, introduce another major character or three and flesh them out, slut her up like nobody's business and have her spend half the book in naughty-fun-time, or just fall back to large amounts of gratuitous violence.  Any of the above would have worked in a novella.

But does she do any of these?  Hell no.  She has to go and try to throw all of the above in and even makes a paltry attempt at fleshing out Anita's relationships with Jason, Nathaniel, and Micah.² What she ended up with was what you'd get if you wrote a great novel then went back and stripped every single thing that made it interesting out and left only a bare outline of a plot.

Summary time.  Don't bother buying this book, even if you're a die hard fan.  Don't even bother borrowing it from an unlucky friend who bought it.  If you're of a copyright violating bent, don't even bother pirating it.  I'll save you the trouble and tell you everything you need to know about it in one sentence.

Anita picks up a one-eyed werelion named Nick(y) who is completely lacking in any other noteworthy character traits.

There you go.  Now you can go on waiting for the next book and hope she doesn't give us another greedy ass-raping in Bullet.

¹  Yes, I know the ebook is only $9.99 but you can't buy an ebook, you can only license them temporarily.  You pay ten bucks and own nothing.  Hell of a deal, yeah?
²  I had to pause here to bang my head against my desk, go smoke a cigarette, and glare at various, innocent, inanimate objects before I could finish this without using the word fuck about every third word.